My Paradoxical Week

11 11 2011

Paradox: one (as a person, situation, or action) having seemingly contradictory qualities or phases

…or maybe Ironic (incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result).

For over the past week I’ve experienced random realizations, borderline epiphanies. I’m sure you’re probably thinking, “So what,”  but I need to purge these thoughts for my own benefit. I admit, it started with the series of reflections, or justifications, I had to write for my second teaching benchmark. I also wonder if it’s because I shared these papers with someone who I truly respect, but really do not know all that well. Therefore, in relation to this person and their mixed messages or actions, I’m feeling rather exposed…this space/page has become the ‘go-to-friend’ to discuss these sorts of things – the tough conversations I’m not sure (actually know) specific people in my life are not always ready to understand or truly hear.

…Well, here’s the best irony of all. I’ve just sat here for the past forty minutes typing and retyping the chain of events I cannot rationalize and I’ve deleted it, the entire thing. All I can say is that I had the best intentions, trying to do yet another kind thing to help. I suppose I should be thankful that I returned home with the deed undone; his harsh words are a constant reminder of what I feel are my greatest failures as a parent. Needless to say, I love my son dearly, but I’m terribly disappointed, actually hurt by his actions and words. I’m at a loss as to how to proactively resolve this situation. At this moment, I am looking forward to December first, and the return of peace to my home, more than I can believe.

How is that he has lost his sense of gratitude and forgiveness? He’s too young to have a soul that’s so hardened.

How do I help him realize that, “It is gratefulness which makes the soul great.” – Abraham Joshua Heschel





12 07 2011

All day I kept thinking… “I have to remember to vote after work.”  thanks to an email from a dear friend – I did.  I’m grateful to her adding important relevance to our (Wisconsin) recalls. Every time I see our congressmen in the news I wonder just what are they willing to sacrifice – this makes so much sense to me!

Her message was:

Subject: Amendment

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.”
~ Margaret Mead

I have totally cleaned this e-mail from all other names, sending it to you in hopes you will keep it going and keep it clean. This is something I will fight for and I hope you all read it all the way through. You will be glad you did.

The 26th amendment (granting the right to vote for 18 year-olds) took only 3 months &8 days to be ratified! Why? Simple! The people demanded it. That was in 1971…before computers, before e-mail, before cell phones, etc.

Of the 27 amendments to the Constitution, seven (7) took 1 year or less to become the law of the land…all because of public pressure.

I’m asking each addressee to forward this email to a minimum of twenty people on their address list; in turn ask each of those to do likewise.

In three days, most people in The United States of America will have the message. This is one idea that really should be passed around.

Congressional Reform Act of 2011

1. No Tenure / No Pension.
A Congressman collects a salary while in office and receives no pay when they are out of office.

2. Congress (past, present &future) participates in Social Security.
All funds in the Congressional retirement fund move to the Social Security system immediately. All future funds flow into the Social Security system, and Congress participates with the American people. It may not be used for any other purpose.

3. Congress can purchase their own retirement plan, just as all Americans do.

4. Congress will no longer vote themselves a pay raise. Congressional pay will rise by the lower of CPI or 3%.

5. Congress loses their current health care system and participates in the same health care system as the American people.

6. Congress must equally abide by all laws they impose on the American people.

7. All contracts with past and present Congressmen are void effective 1/1/12. The American people did not make this contract with Congressmen. Congressmen made all these contracts for themselves. Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, so ours should serve their term(s), then go home and back to work.

If each person contacts a minimum of twenty people then it will only take three days for most people (in the U.S. ) to receive the message. Maybe it is time.

THIS IS HOW YOU FIX CONGRESS!!!!!
If you agree with the above, pass it on. If not, just delete.





Grateful, hopeful, yet sad

3 04 2011

Feeling like I should be changing the name of this blog…I seem to vent my personal thoughts lately, more than discuss design issues. Although the design issues were actually personal too. The economy sucks and I’m admit I’m not terribly busy with design at the moment. I miss it, but I think my new path will hopefully help more people. Although some of the research and subsequent summaries make me realize how absurd our education system is (in my opinion), it brings me to tears.

I apologize to any one who stumbled upon this looking for substance – I don’t have anyone to talk to at this very minute and I needed to purge. It’s been a sucker punch of a day.





Goodbye Frustrating Decade – Good Morning Unknown!

2 01 2011

This past decade has been frustrating and certainly bittersweet, to say the least… I’ve experienced more stress and challenging moments than I ever thought possible.  I have also found who I feel is my true love, even though this doesn’t seem to be working out, I am grateful to have experienced the most beautiful moments of my life with him. I believe whole-heartedly in growth and change. I believe that we don’t always really see ourselves in a true light – it’s easier to think issues or problems are the fault of others. For some of us (this has been my most difficult thing to admit), we accept too much of the ‘blame’ and sacrifice ourselves to make everything work. I admit I could have handled some of my challenges more gracefully than I did. I guess that’s what growing is all about:  “The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials.” – Confucius

I realize this entry is short, not really newsworthy, but I needed to say it ‘aloud.’

Even before stumbling upon a special program on PBS yesterday “Excuses Begone,” I was re-committed to changing, possibly eliminating, the ‘what’ in my life that simply does not work anymore.  Listening to Dr. Wayne Dyer talk about excuses and blaming made so much sense; let’s all change the negative to positive!

I searched for details on this program and found this:

In his 35th book, Excuses Begone! How to Change Lifelong, Self-Defeating Thinking Habits (May 26, 2009), Dr. Dyer tells readers to ask themselves, “If no one told me who I was, who would I be?” By identifying 18 of the most common excuses and providing an accompanying affirmation, Dr. Dyer claims now is a time of immense opportunity to change life-long thinking patterns and access new levels of success and happiness. “The most common excuses I hear are: If I changed, it would create family dramas . . . I’m too old or too young . . . I’m far too busy and tired . . . I can’t afford the things I truly want . . . It would be very difficult for me to do things differently . . . and I’ve always been this way; it’s in my DNA. I know people believe these statements are true, but in fact they are just excuses, says Dr. Dyer.”

Within the pages of this transformational book, Dr. Wayne W. Dyer reveals how to change the self-defeating thinking patterns that have prevented you from living at the highest levels of success, happiness, and health. Even though you may know what to think, actually changing those thinking habits that have been with you since childhood might be somewhat challenging.  So the business of modifying habituated thinking patterns really comes down to tossing out the same tired old excuses and examining your beliefs in a new and truthful light.

(description from www.drwaynedyer.com)

Thanks for ‘listening.’





Season’s Blessing & Danny’s Favorite Color:

19 12 2010

Feng Shui says it’s really important at this time of year to add lots of green to your celebratory decor and all holiday color schemes. Long considered a ‘healing’ color, the color green is also strongly considered the most ‘cooling color’ in the spectrum. Green is believed to be able to harmoniously help and offset the intense and burning heat caused by all the fiery red around us. As well, green promotes peace and plenty, while evergreen itself is said to be able to absorb any negative vibes lingering around the house.

Hanging an evergreen branch or bough above the door at any time of year has long been believed to keep negativity and evil at bay while allowing peace and prosperity to enter.

Long before the birth of Jesus, plants and trees that remained green all year had a special meaning for people in the winter. In many countries it was believed that evergreens would keep away witches, ghosts, evil spirits, and illness.

In the Northern hemisphere, the shortest day and longest night of the year falls on December 21 or December 22 and is called the winter solstice. Many ancient people believed that the sun was a god and that winter came every year because the sun god had become sick and weak. They celebrated the solstice because it meant that at last the sun god would begin to get well. Evergreen boughs reminded them of all the green plants that would grow again when the sun god was strong and summer would return.

Germany is credited with starting the Christmas tree tradition as we now know it in the 16th century when devout Christians brought decorated trees into their homes. It is a widely held belief that Martin Luther, the 16th-century Protestant reformer, first added lighted candles to a tree. Walking toward his home one winter evening, composing a sermon, he was awed by the brilliance of stars twinkling amidst evergreens. To recapture the scene for his family, he erected a tree in the main room and wired its branches with lighted candles.

Most 19th-century Americans found Christmas trees an oddity. The first record of one being on display was in the 1830s by the German settlers of Pennsylvania, although trees had been a tradition in many German homes much earlier. The Pennsylvania German settlements had community trees as early as 1747. But, as late as the 1840s Christmas trees were seen as pagan symbols and not accepted by most Americans.

It is not surprising that, like many other festive Christmas customs, the tree was adopted so late in America. To the New England Puritans, Christmas was sacred. The pilgrim’s second governor, William Bradford, wrote that he tried hard to stamp out “pagan mockery” of the observance, penalizing any frivolity. The influential Oliver Cromwell preached against “the heathen traditions” of Christmas carols, decorated trees, and any joyful expression that desecrated “that sacred event.” In 1659, the General Court of Massachusetts enacted a law making any observance of December 25 (other than a church service) a penal offense; people were fined for hanging decorations. That stern solemnity continued until the 19th century, when the influx of German and Irish immigrants undermined the Puritan legacy.

In 1846, the popular royals, Queen Victoria and her German Prince, Albert, were sketched in the Illustrated London News standing with their children around a Christmas tree. Unlike the previous royal family, Victoria was very popular with her subjects, and what was done at court immediately became fashionable—not only in Britain, but with fashion-conscious East Coast American Society. The Christmas tree had arrived.

By the 1890s Christmas ornaments were arriving from Germany and Christmas tree popularity was on the rise around the U.S. It was noted that Europeans used small trees about four feet in height, while Americans liked their Christmas trees to reach from floor to ceiling.

The early 20th century saw Americans decorating their trees mainly with homemade ornaments, while the German-American sect continued to use apples, nuts, and marzipan cookies. Popcorn joined in after being dyed bright colors and interlaced with berries and nuts. Electricity brought about Christmas lights, making it possible for Christmas trees to glow for days on end. With this, Christmas trees began to appear in town squares across the country and having a Christmas tree in the home became an American tradition.

The Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree dates back to the Depression Era days. The first tree at Rockefeller Center was placed in 1931. It was a small unadorned tree placed by construction workers at the center of the construction site. Two years later, another tree was placed there, this time with lights.The tallest tree displayed at Rockefeller Center came in 1948 and was a Norway Spruce that measured in at 100 feet tall and hailed from Killingworth, Connecticut. These days, the giant Rockefeller Center tree is laden with over 25,000 Christmas lights.

(excerpt from an Ellen Whitehurst AND www.history.com/topics/history-of-christmas-trees)





a new studio

22 11 2010

So.. toward the end of last week I realized I was pretty much caught up with work (for clients).  I decided to finally take my old Mac and new Mac in to have the data transferred.

It was really strange not being connected to ‘the world,’ even though I truly feel it’s not much of an intimate or real connection.  I was without a computer from Friday at 4pm until yesterday at around 1pm.  During this time, I realized how dependent I am on this ‘machine,’ for probably too many things; maybe I should say co-dependent.  I inadvertently disconnected my phone (yes I still have a landline) when I disconnected my old Mac. I simply reconnected the modems, but realized that since the original calls were forwarded to my cellphone from my voicemail, I had no way of calling anyone back. They didn’t leave a preferred number for me to call and cellphones aren’t in the phonebook. I’ve opted out of receiving new phonebooks, so hmmm… In addition, a few of my clients and associations insist on using goggle-docs, which is amazing, but without a computer you have no way to access the info.  I actually went to Stritch to log on to a computer, to complete a few tasks I realized need to be by midnight last night. These were easy ‘fixes,’ but interesting to realize this co-dependence.

My primary difficulty was, of all things, rearranging my studio.  I now admit it; this was all in my head.  Was I resisting change all this time, or was I trying to stay true to my craft? I have kept my drawing table in my studio over the years, even though (lately), I use it as storage for the ‘immediate to-do piles.’ I have to clean it off to do the few, but very dear, landscape or house/room redesign drawings when requested. I even modified my original desktop setup to accommodate the taller height of my drawing table and drafting chair.  OK.  So, I pulled my drawing table out my studio, and stood there with it – almost crying.  I realized that I really missed the creative problem solving process this table represents; the refinement of ideas, the visualization of 2d and 3d spaces.  I can’t believe I’m getting a bit emotional about it now – how ridiculous is this!

The computer (or this technology) is wonderful – powerful.  It has made important (and not so important) information readily available, we can access diverse thoughts and people. It has created  jobs and learning opportunities, but it has eliminated so many jobs in various other professions, many important craftspeople have had to find new careers; has it also made us less collaborative? more insular?

I admit I do feel isolated or out-of-touch, working in my in-home studio sometimes.  I think it’s the personal interactions and exchange of ideas I miss the most; at the moment, though, I am enjoying my very clean and organized [new] studio.





been busy creating a new life, but thought about you daily

14 11 2010

I knew I’ve been remiss, but almost a year – Wow!   Missed my six-month check up; actually missed the annual check up too – too many unfortunate reasons why.   Anyways – the real reason I logged on was to post this link:

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2EkOxj/ihavethislittlegarden.com/complementary-therapy/essential-oil-therapy-and-cancer//r:t





the week after

7 12 2009

I seem to posting updates 1-week after my follow-up doctor visits.   I guess, I’m not terribly motivated because I don’t have any ‘juicy’ facts to share; just the trivial moments of my current affairs.

My doctor was very impressed with my progress (or should I say: how great my left eye looks).  She actually ask what I had been doing to promote this great of an improvement to the shape of my eye.  I attribute it to the massaging she recommended and the facial creams for damaged skin I researched and then purchased.  I really think they’re helping:

StriVectin- This cream pretty much immediately softened and reduced the size of the scars on my neck and chest, so I have been applying it to my face (alternating with the Kiehl’s).  My skin seems to not be so tight and pulled to the right; allowing my eye to relax and re-shape.

Kiehl’s ACAI Damage-Correcting Moisturizer- I started with this cream on my face and noticed a visible difference to the appearance of the scar, but my skin was still quite ‘tight’ in that area.

The doctor did give me two more shots, very small doses, into the area closest to my eye and on the bridge of my nose.  The after-sting is intense and really bizarre, I had a dent on my nose from the glasses for about a day, but the area looks almost normal – or I should say pre-surgery.

She also said she is much less inclined to want to do the skin graft previously suggested and felt I could skip my next scheduled appointment if I was comfortable with the progress over the next 3-weeks.  We’ll see how things go :)





Another Shot

11 11 2009

Last Thursday I had a follow-up visit with my doctor.  I expressed my concerns about these “shots,”  but also listened to her reasoning and guidance as to the benefits of steroid injections to reduce the scar tissue.  She also informed me that she feels the need to do a skin graph based on how my eye is still pulling — this is a surprise.  I’m realizing that my Mohs surgery was much more of an emergency than I  thought.

I apologize for the brief and delayed report – but I’m actually quite swamped with work and studying for tests for a Masters program I decided to enter… will add more research and facts later.





follow up visit

10 10 2009

I had a follow up visit with the plastic surgeon on Monday.  I know it’s been almost a week, but I’ve actually gotten busy with work and other  daily dramas – basically getting by.

I thought the doctor was just going to look at the scar and report whether it was healing well or not and tell me what else to do to decrease the appearance of the scar.  I certainly wanted to find out if this was the new me – for the rest of my life.  The pulling of my skin/tightness is certainly uncomfortable, but I have to admit – I wasn’t sure I was liking how it (I guess I should say I) looked.

Well,  I was wrong: when I went into the patient room there was a needle and a few little bottles of “stuff.”  Based on the mass of scar tissue that has built up under my skin (from the Mohs Surgery) my doctor recommended and proceeded to prepare a collagen steroid shot.

Yes, I was definitely apprehensive.  I don’t want sagging skin skin already… turning 49 and having all this happen is scary enough!  My doctor assured me she was going to inject the shot very deep into the scar tissue; that this would decrease the lump and allow my skin to not pull across my face as it was at that point.  She explained that it would not affect my skin and this may be the only shot needed. With my continued massaging of the area, I would be able to decrease the scar mass and my skin would in-turn relax to hopefully make my left eye look more normal (normal being what it was pre-surgery).

The shot was extremely painful, but it is right on the side of my nose – not a lot of cushion there.  There were a series of pops. Apparently that was the needle making it way through the layers of scar tissue – she injected the “stuff” after the deepest, loudest pop.

Besides rather inconvenient issues with my sinuses since the shot – the bump has gone down and my eye is not stretched so far open (toward the center of my face). Interestingly, I do not have as apparent of a dark circle under my left eye as my right any more – which is a positive, too bad the circle under the right eye is still there.

My main issue with this treatment is that I cannot find adequate facts and research/articles to better understand the implication and possible side effects.

While typing this entry, I found a few bits of information that ease my mind and explain the sinus issues:

Scars (also called cicatrices) are fibrous tissues that replace normal skin or other tissue after injury. A scar results from the biologic process of wound repair in the skin and other tissues of the body.  Thus, scarring is a natural part of the healing process.  With the exception of very minor lesion, every wound (after accident, disease, or surgery) results in some degree of scarring.

Steroid injections, under medical supervision in the scar may help flatten and soften the appearance of the keloid or hypertrophic scar.  The steroid is injected into the scar itself: since very little is absorbed into the blood stream, side effects of this treatment are minor.

Collagen injections can be used to raise sunken scars to the level of the surrounding skin.  Its effects are however temporary, repeated treatments is recommended. There is a risk in some people of an allergic reaction.

(source: Wikipedia)








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